Separation anxiety in children - 6 things you want to know

1. What is it?

Separation anxiety in children most often occurs when they are to be separated from someone close or leave home. The word anxiety itself may sound very dramatic though actually means that the body and the brain interpret something as dangerous - you simply get scared. For young children, it may be that they do not understand that the parent who leaves will return. And for older children, it may be something specific (such as a person) at preschool or school that is stressful. When you feel anxiety, it is often a mixture of several emotions, such as shame, frustration or guilt.

2. Is it common in children?

Absolutely. Separation anxiety is part of the child's development and therefore affects almost all children. How great the separation anxiety is is partly controlled by the child's personality.

3. What signs should I keep track of when it comes to children and separation anxiety?

For young children, it is usually about the child starting to cry and clinging to the parent, when he or she tries to walk away. But there are other - perhaps not as obvious - signs that it is good to keep an eye on. Kry listar vilka:

• Preschool / school refusal. The child does not want to go to preschool or school and does everything to avoid leaving home.
• Fear that something terrible will happen to someone the child loves. For example, that one of the child's parents or caregivers should become ill or have an accident when you are not together.
• Concerns about unpredictable events that could lead to the separation becoming permanent. This could be, for example, a kidnapping or a death.
• Difficulty sleeping. The child has difficulty falling asleep in the evenings, often has nightmares and is reluctant to be alone at night.
• Physical symptoms, such as stomach pain and headache. One of the most common symptoms of separation anxiety in children is physical discomfort.
• Clinging. The child clings to you when you are about to divorce, which to a certain extent is completely normal. However, it ceases to be healthy when it prevents the child from participating in activities and playing with his friends.

4. What can I do to help my child with his separation anxiety?

When you google, there are many tips on what to think about and do as a parent. But basically, it is almost always about two things: creating security and practicing.Providing security as a parent is the most important thing a parent can do according to psychologist Olof Johansson. He explains further:- Providing security and talking to the child is very important, but also to think about a number of important points. For example, if the child is safe at school, or what the relationships with friends and staff look like. For smaller children, it is important to think about what the farewell looks like and whether the child has a related person at the preschool, says Olof and continues:- A tip is to include the child by talking to your child about how he feels. But do not comfort too much, in the long run children need to be able to deal with their own fears and also comfort can be interpreted as meaning that there really is something to be worried about.Furthermore, you have to practice, practice, practice! By letting your child, in small steps, learn to manage on his own, his confidence will increase to his own ability. The result? Your baby will feel safer and more independent, and sleeping away will not feel as awful as it may have a few weeks ago.

5. Can separation anxiety in children be good?

Malin Broberg is a child psychologist and thinks that it is good for children to learn to deal with stress in small doses, as this can have a positive effect on mental health later in life. As a mother or father, therefore, trying to avoid separation anxiety in your child at all costs is not healthy. She further says that there is no research that shows that it would be dangerous with separation reactions.

6. Can parents also suffer from separation anxiety?

Do not be surprised if you hear a preschool teacher say "schooling is almost more for the parents". It is not uncommon for the school days not only to end with a crying child but also for a mother or father who feels tears flowing when they close the gate behind them.But, it's not that weird really. When you have spent time with your child 24 hours a day, it can be quite tough to suddenly hand it over to some unknown adults and just say "goodbye, see you in a few hours!". Having a schooling period is therefore super good for a parent to get used to being separated from their child, step by step.That as a parent suffers from separation anxiety is also common in divorce. Actress Tilde Fröling writes about her own experiences of having a "bi-weekly life" here.

More knowledge = always a good idea

Reading about how anxiety, worry and fear work in children is a great strategy. Partly to increase your own understanding of the subject, but also to become more confident in how to deal with your child's anxiety in as constructive a way as possible. Below we have listed four books that all deal with children's self-esteem and well-being, in slightly different ways.

• I do not dare but I do it anyway, about children's well-being and feeling and,
• Five times more love: research and practical advice for a functioning family life: a book for parents with children between 2 and 12 years are written by child psychologist Martin Forster, 2013 and 2009.

• With a sense of children's self-esteem. Behavioral scientist Petra Krantz Lindgren is the author of this fairly new book from 2018.
• Responsive parenting, is written by child psychologist Malin Bergström in 2013.

Another good thing to keep track of when it comes to children is illness. If interested: read our article focusing on childhood diseases.